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scg
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Our Parents
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Feb 16 02:09 UTC 1994 |
(thanks to carson for much of the text in this item)
What are our parents like? It'd be good to know that there are good parents,
bad parents, and that parents are human too. How will we be as parents?
Will we be like our own? Will we try to be different? How do we feel about
our parents. Do we want to move out on them? Are they like friends who
live with you? Do we miss them when we go off for long periods of time?
Do we have surrogate parents, role models that we look up to rather than
our own parents? Do you feel your parents make good rules? Are they ever
unreasonable?
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| 228 responses total. |
cicero
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response 1 of 228:
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Feb 16 03:50 UTC 1994 |
I may be a little bit too old to really be answering this, but it struck a
chord in me somehow. I think that all parents are unreasonable at one time
or another (some more often than others to be sure!). How can they help
but be? After all, they are human and far from infalible. This is one
of the great truths that one learns as one matures. Our parents are often
as clueless as we are. I am the product of broken marriage, and I think
as such I came to this realization earlier than others. Indeed, in my
experience, my friends who had divorced parents were usually far more
independant in thought and action, and more aware of their parent's
shortcomings, than my friends whose parents were still together. The
most severe example of this that I ever saw happened in college when
a good friend of mine told me that her parents were treating her
like shit since they found out that she had lost her virginity the
previous summer. I told her, that they were being closed minded, and
that they were trying to make her live by rules that they had followed,
even though those rules made no sense in the modern world. I said that
it was understandable that they felt the way that they did, given their
ages and religeous beleifs, but that they had no business treating her
that way if just because she didn't agree with them. I told her that
she needed to make clear to her parents that their relationship had
changed and that at age 21 she was not going to stand for them
dictating how she would live her life. But she couldn't do that.
She was still to in awe of her parents. She asked me how I could
talk that way about my elders and I told her Simple: I learned quickly
at age 9 when my parents got divorced that they were both quite imperfect.
I used to say that I love both my parents dearly, but my dad is often an
asshole, and my mom is often nuts. She just couldn't grock it. It took
another couple of years after this incident for her to see that I was
right. In the meantime her parents have matured a bit too, and have
started to respect her as an adult but it was a long time in coming.
The same sort of relationship developed between me and my parents at a
much earlier age.
I'm not trying to say by this that divorce is a good thing, quite the
contrary. But I do think that it can affect how soon one realizes
that parents sometimes need to be told to go to hell just to keep the
relationship honest.
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omni
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response 2 of 228:
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Feb 16 04:43 UTC 1994 |
Interesting topic. My view on parents is, you never miss em till there
gone, and I don't mean divorce.
When I was a teenager, I listened to my dad about 75% of the time, but
I decined a lot of offers to do things and go places with him, thinking
that I would have the rest of my life to be with him, to do things. I got
that idea knocked out of me on April 24 1979, the day I'll never forget,
and the day he died. In retrospect, I really miss him, and I wish that I
would have done more with him, and spent the tim All I can say to you
guys is, catch the rain while it falls.
My mother is still living, and believe me, I value every minute I spend
with her.
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scg
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response 3 of 228:
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Feb 16 04:48 UTC 1994 |
My dad tends to be a lot more liberal than a lot of my friends parents. For
example, while a lot of my friends are constantly calling their parents to
make sure the parents know where they are, and others have to do a lot of
sneaking around to make sure their parents don't catch them, and many have
curfews that they have to be home by, I really don't have to deal with that.
If I'm out late my dad wants me to call and tell him that I'm not home, but
he doesn't then get frantic if I'm not home by 2 or 3 am. He's asleep at
that point. As long as I've told him I'm going to be out late, it's fine.
My dad also tends to give me a lot of freedom in terms of what I want to do.
The times when he tells me not to do something are few and very far between.
This was explained to me when I was somewhere around age 12, when I asked
him if I could do something and he replied that only I could make that
decision since he wasn't always around to make that kind of decision for me.
The effect of this is that I don't tend to do a lot of really stupid stuff,
since his parenting style has taught me to really think things through for
myself and I am not rebelling against anything. If I've thought through
something and decide to do it, even if it's not the decision he would have
made, my dad will generally let me do it.
This difference was really illustrated when I was out with a bunch of people
a few nights ago. I called my dad at some point and told him that I was going
to be out late. I came in at about 2:30 and went to bed. My dad didn't know
what time I had come in, since he was asleep, but it really surprised some of
my friends that I told my step mom the truth the next day when she asked me
what time I came in and I didn't get in trouble. In contrast, an other person
got yelled at when she came in sometime slightly later than that, and a third
person's mom started calling a bunch of people asking where she was when she
wasn't home sometime after 3am (making the people who got called quite mad).
Given the things I hear from other people, I have to say that my dad is a
really cool parent.
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scg
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response 4 of 228:
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Feb 16 04:59 UTC 1994 |
omni slipped in:
Yes, I know how important time spent with parents is. You may have
noticed that I didn't mention my mom in the previous response, partly because
she really isn't a part of my current situation. My mom died when I was
twelve, on January 5, 1990, and I do really miss her. All of my life up
to that point my mom had been there for me, and I don't think I ever really
appreciated everything she did for me. I can never say that I didn't spend
enough time with her, since she was a lot more involved in my life than a lot
of parents were with their kids, but I still feel like I didn't spend enough
time with her. Yes, some of my friends may have parents who I consider a bit
unreasonable, and yes they complain about them, but they are still lucky.
They still have their moms. I still remember the last thing I said to my
mom, the day before she died, as I was leaving her after visiting her in
the hospital as she underwent yet another exparamental cancer treatment.
I said "see you tomorrow." I never saw her again.
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cicero
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response 5 of 228:
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Feb 16 19:13 UTC 1994 |
sgc, I think your dad is very wise.
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vidar
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response 6 of 228:
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Feb 17 01:02 UTC 1994 |
My parents are thes scum of the Earth and their lies are to easy to see
through. The never (well, okay ONCE) spanked me for any justified reason. My
father used the leather of his belt on my bare buttocks. My mother denies ever
being home when this happened, and in fact blames it on a Baby-sitter who would
not have done so. Her lie is to easy to see through.
Everything that happens around here is MY fault to my parents. My dad can
never talk in a voice that isn't a "somebody's in trouble" voice. They think
I don't know what time it is when I'm on Grex and have this clock right on
the windows program I'm using. My father always needs someone to blame.
In fact, He blames my mother and I have treated himn like shit, when in fact
just the opposite is true. If my mother dies before my father, I'm never
going home. I don't plan on EVER taking my kids to see my abusive parents.
The goddamn drunks! And people wonder why I'm insane!
(Oh, up there they used spanking on me until I was 12)
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cicero
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response 7 of 228:
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Feb 17 06:32 UTC 1994 |
Vidar,
It's hard for me to know how objective your description is, but that situation
does sound abusive. If it's any consolation, you're not alone. I have several
friends who are survivors of abusive family situations. Often alchohol is
involved. Parents are far from perfect beings. One ray of hope is that
sometimes these situations improve over the years--particulaly if the
drinkers involved give that up. On the other hand, sometimes families
just cannot get along. It's sad, but it's true. Don't give up. Once you
are 18 your relationship with your father may change. If it doesn't, you
can take what steps you deem necessary.
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vidar
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response 8 of 228:
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Feb 17 22:00 UTC 1994 |
Once I'm 18 anything from my parents get's put through the paper shredder,
but only AFTER I've searched for money. No reading involved.
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park
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response 9 of 228:
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Feb 18 12:09 UTC 1994 |
woah...i have preaty nice parents.
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jimbob
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response 10 of 228:
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Feb 18 12:26 UTC 1994 |
R#9 that's rare...(sortof)
My parents have never given me any reason to love them...when they
act incredibly assholish they give me a cheap toy...instead of apoligizing
to me or saying they're sorry(although at this point i'ld rather not have
them talk to me unless it's VERY importaint)...and i can't think of a
reason why they'ld need to...but it's just like...they think that a
package of baseball cards is going to solve all our problems...when not
faceing the problem just makes things worst. They have beat me from time
to time...but have stopped in the last 3 years thinking that i would
forget and not be mad or hurt them...but it's not that easy...and it's
just an example of them running away...i don't hate my parents...but i
sure don't like them...and even though my dad is cool at times...he's a
real asshole at others, like when he spanked me(i was 6) for goofing off
at a rec&ed little leuge(however you spell it) baseball game...he told me
stuff like i wasn't fit to be a baseball player for goofing off...i was 6
years old and he was treating the game like it was the majors...most
people when they get past teenagership they forgive their parents for
being assholish...relizing what they had to go through...but i don't think
i could ever love my parents...and although after 18 i'll go to the family
stuff...i won't keep in touch otherwise...
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odie
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response 11 of 228:
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Feb 18 13:45 UTC 1994 |
My parents are pretty cool most of the time because they
know I'm responsible so they'll trust me.
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kami
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response 12 of 228:
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Feb 18 21:31 UTC 1994 |
wow! there are some pretty heavy stories here.
I'm off to see my folks next week- in Florida, where it's currently raining
while we have glorious sun :) Sometimes it's hard not to be reduced to a
defensive teenager with them, although having a husband and kids helps- I fit
their stereotyped image for a daughter well enough that they don't have to be
confronted with my reality too closely. The last big argument my mom and I
had, she was blaming my (then THREE year old- the year from hell) son's wild
ness on the fact that I spank him. I pointed out, meant to show that it didn't
hurt, that she spanked me more than a few times, and she went balistic: just
like a little kid- fists balled, showting "I hate you", then tripped on the
rug and broke a vertebra. She was prepared to blame me for that but I think
she realized she couldn't get away with it and stuck to vague implications that
I wasn't really there for her or something. While she was in the hospital, we
had the most peaceful communication and friendship we have had in years. That
is pretty common for out relationship: my folks STILL want to determine the
way of my life, take personally anything that doesn't fit their illusions but
can't refrain from asking questions whose answers they won't like, yet can be
good and respectful friends when not feeling threatened
My Dad is a businessman. That's all he is. He deals with all human interaction
as if it were a "deal". He loves me more than anyone else in his life but
hardly knows how to show it except by trying to run my life- at least my
material choices, asking if I am solvent, etc. He dotes on his grandkids, so
I have the chance to show him how to interact with them. This is very healing
for me, to see him being soft and human. It's not that he didn't hug me or
read to me, it's just that he had no idea how to LISTEN to a kid or just be
with one. I have also realized that my mom actually came between us, in that
she wanted to control our interactions- by pushing us to do things together,
but taking over too quickly, she managed to undermine any chance of my dad
becoming a strong and independent parent. I try to set Dad and Timothy going
and then step out of the way except to keep Mom from stepping in. I
am less comfortable letting my mom spend lots of time with Timothy because they
are not really compatible and she just can't let him be himself. Small doses
can be a civilizing influence, but I am still too young and angry to keep
remembering that one week at a time will not do any great harm. In the long
run, Dad and Timothy will be great friends- they can trade in knowledge- and
Mom and Gareth will feed each other's need for cuddles. One major catch: mom
is 73 and dad is 87.
I know I need to "put my house in order" and establish the relationship I want
before my folks die or I may never be wholey an adult in my own eyes, but I'm
not strong enough to manage it all yet. On one hand, how can I hurt or neglect
people who are that old and who care so much. On the other hand, how can I put
off the hard work of defining myself as a separate adult when I may only have
the living, dynamic people available for a few years, whom I must first grow
past in order to re-approach them freely. It's a frustrating tightrope. I
could very easily go without seeing my folks, just talk on the phone, for a
year or more at a time. But I can't hurt them that much or risk losing them
with so much unfinished business. No easy solutions, I guess.
Sorry about the long post. I hope it strikes as chord, maybe familiar, for
some folks.
Oh, Vidar, the last time my mom tried to spank me I was about 15 or so. She
thought I was being rude to dad- a misunderstanding- and tried to slap my face.
I decided that was not appropriate and went to restrain her wrists. In the
ensueing dance, it was almost impossible to keep my elbows away from her ribs
and I didn't want to hurt her. What a weird memory! She didn't try to spank
me ever again.
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vidar
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response 13 of 228:
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Feb 18 22:58 UTC 1994 |
re#12: Well, I think it is legal up until the child is 16. I however, do
not find anything wrong with it so long as it is justified. 12 may be
wrong, I do remember getting a couple in Jr. High. Exactly 2 in Eighth
grade.
My parents seem to understand only their children's tones. The pay no
attention to their own tones. I hate them and I always will. At
least when grandparents did it, 'twas justified and in a non-abusive
manner.
I do remember that a couple of months ago, one of my cousins was pissing
me off. I do not like to go for all out pain, so I went for the embarrasment
factor (He's 14). He actually did not try to fight it (much), but he
did deserve it.
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cicero
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response 14 of 228:
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Feb 19 05:05 UTC 1994 |
Abusive parents sometimes become nicer in their old ages. Case in point:
My grandmother (mom's mom) was an abusive mother, somtimes whipping her
children with an appliance cord and often for unjustified "affronts". Now
as a grandmother, she is the sweetest woman you could ever hope to meet.
At some point a change just came over her. I being the oldest grandchild can
barely remember when she was not quite so nice when I was a little kid.
But after my youngest aunt grew up and moved out she really mellowed out.
She has repressed all of her past abusive behavior--she really doesn't
remember it--and she's not like that any more, so why bring it up with
her? But my Aunts and Uncle all agree that she was an abusive parent.
So, you never know what may happen. You should always be ready to give
your parents a second chance. People do change.
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vidar
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response 15 of 228:
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Feb 19 13:46 UTC 1994 |
NEVER! That is a sin against Odin, you fool!
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jimbob
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response 16 of 228:
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Feb 19 19:26 UTC 1994 |
heh...
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vidar
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response 17 of 228:
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Feb 20 01:05 UTC 1994 |
If you're not going to respond intellegentlly, do not respond at all.
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vidar
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response 18 of 228:
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Feb 21 02:04 UTC 1994 |
Well now it seems my parents have a reason to be assholes. Though I can
never forgive them for what they did when I was young, this *is* forgivable.
I am not going to give the justification, as it is just as well I don't.
Were Joe Gilsdorf to get his hands on such information, I think he'd commit
a murder,
(oops, .) However, they are still rahter stupid in their tone. They
attempt me to notice that they don't mean it that way.
What the hell are they doing? They order me around as if I'm their slave,
if only because I'm the strongest person in the house. My mother has this
annoying habbit of telling me to do something when I'm already half-way
the other direction. She says she doesn't mean immediatly, yeah right, and
I'm the king of Norway.
Today, we were packing stuff in boxex both for donation, and stuff to take
on the move. And after that thing where the modem didn't hang up,
everbody got pissed. More later...
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vidar
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response 19 of 228:
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Feb 21 02:08 UTC 1994 |
That of course, was understandable under the circumstances. However,
I as a young man take notes on what parents do wrong, inscribe them in
my head, and swear by Odin's blood never to do them as a father.
Strangley enough, most of these wrong doings are apparent in
Christian Households. Mainly I get this information from Tom Biancalana's
father(s).
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vidar
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response 20 of 228:
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Feb 21 02:11 UTC 1994 |
I understand some of these things occasionally. Tom didn't take his
medication for hyperactivity yesterday. I thought sure he was going to
get grounde for the way he was acting,
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facelift
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response 21 of 228:
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Feb 21 23:28 UTC 1994 |
I have a very strange relationship with my parents. I know that they care about
me, but I have no respect for them or any trust in them. Its a long story. Just
bear with me.
I lived the average childhood. Got traumatized by my brother, but other
than that, nothing big happened. During the summer of 1984, my parents
told me they were separating, but a couple of months later, they got
back together again.
Then, 6 years later, my dad sat me down and said, "Son, do you remember that
time when me and your ther broke up?" (by this time my parents had been 2 years
divorced) "Well during that period of separation, I had a daughter. I didn't
tell you about her Because it was socially unacceptable."
!write davidtg
!write davidtg
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facelift
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response 22 of 228:
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Feb 22 00:28 UTC 1994 |
Sorry. Modem problems. As I was saying My dad told me about my sister 6 years
after he had her in an affair. At that moment, I just cried. I was angry beyond
the point of violence. I couldn't believe it. Just because he thought that
having a kid in an
hasn't told his own parents.
I'd also like to bitch about my dad's girfriend for a while. It's only
natural for me to resent her presence and be defensive against her,
but I think that I'm neglected by my dad. He does all sorts of shit for
her, and then leaves me in the dust For example, I had repeatedly
expressed interest in going to see Tommy the musical. Then one sunday
afternoon, he said "See ya in a few hours, I'm going to see tommy with
marybeth. That really hurt my feelings. I don't know where my mom came
into play during all of this, but I know that if she trusted me she
would have told me, regardless of what my dad wanted.
,
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cicero
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response 23 of 228:
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Feb 23 14:35 UTC 1994 |
Dealing with the weirdness of having divorced parents can really suck.
I can see how you'd feel hurt in the above Tommy situation. And I know
that I'd go balistic if I found out that my father had another kid,
even at the ripe old age of 30! I still have resentments about my
father's girlfriends as well. He got remarried back in 1987 and I
DID have a fit then. By that point in my life I was old enough that
the rational part of me said Hey if he wants to get married to somone
that's his business. I can understand that . But the emotional part of
me felt abandonded, cheated, turned upsidedown, and scandalized that he
would do this, particularly with a woman who is 15 years his junior.
(That's right campers, add it up, she is a lot closer to my age than his.)
See? Bitterness even now. I think this syndrome is unavoidable with
parents because we grow up with an image of our parents as parents and
not as people. We don't really see them as sexual beings. Look at it
this way. If one of your friends were very sexually promiscuous you
might now think much of it. But if your Dad is it causes great resentment
and pain. That's because parents are not people to us they are parents.
As I've gotten older Ive been able to understand these kinds of things
better intellectually, but it doesn't really affect my feelings. They
are still the same.
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scg
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response 24 of 228:
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Feb 23 20:52 UTC 1994 |
I used to feel a great deal of resentment towards my dad's girlfriend (who is
now my step-mom). I felt as if she was somehow replacing my mom, and it made
me mad at my dad because I somehow felt he was not being faithful to my mom.
I finally got around that by remembering that he was a person with needs, and
by thinking back to every wedding I had ever seen remembering the lines "'till
death do us part." I just had to keep remembering that my dad had kept to
that vow and shouldn't be expected to do anymore than that. In the end,
accepting my step mom took accepting that my mom was gone. That was the hard
part.
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