srw
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Disorder in the Court
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Oct 19 05:54 UTC 1993 |
A coworker sent the following to me for distribution on the company humor
list. All of the humor is language-related, so I thought it also
should be shared in this conference.
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Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'
by Richard Lederer
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with
language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of
courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every
statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers
in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are
some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of
the word:
-----------------
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember
his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell
them your first name!
-----------------
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
-----------------
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
-----------------
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
-----------------
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
-----------------
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
-----------------
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
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Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
-----------------
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
-----------------
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
-----------------
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
-----------------
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
-----------------
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
-----------------
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
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Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
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THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
any.
-----------------
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
-----------------
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
-----------------
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
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Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
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Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was
a victim?
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Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
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Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
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Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put
on top of my head.
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Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
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Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch-
and she did!
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Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
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Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
-------------------
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
-------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
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Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
-------------------
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
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Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
-------------------
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
==========================================
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srw
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response 6 of 10:
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Sep 1 05:04 UTC 1994 |
I've decided to revive this item, because the company's humor mailing list
(read "I") sent out another language-based humor item - to wit:
You know all those words that the English language has that sound like they
are the opposite of something, but really aren't?
Haven't you ever wanted to coin one of those non-existent opposite words?
This is the logical extension of that... -srw
"How I met my wife" by Jack Winter
Published 25 July 1994 - The New Yorker
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant,
despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing
alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total
array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a
gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about
it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I
could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off
my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving
loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of
behavior would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was
evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as
flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero
were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could
easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent
reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make
heads or tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it
nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen.
Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt
capacitated--as if this were something I was great shakes at--and forgot
that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times.
So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way
through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare
a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks,
I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the
notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory
character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a
perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and more
choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I
had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To
my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been
together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.
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srw@cyberspace.org
Subject: HUMOR: Two Theological Items
Date: Wed, 31 Aug 94 12:19:00 EDT
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Here are two theological items. The first one has no known author. -srw
------
Forwarded-by: dsayon@Corp.Megatest.COM (Doris Sayon)
In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.
On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those
days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet
exist.)
On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit.
This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't.
God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the
rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.
On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!"
And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype.
Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the "new and
improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And
so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits
followed, but only one was so honored.
On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift'
instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a
single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit.
And God realized the importance of computer security.
On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of
the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift
stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.
On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines,
register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable
instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays.
Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must
have been a Monday.
On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced UNIX into the Universe,
and it hasn't worked right since.
and it hasn't worked right since.
------
From: Cary Knott <ck@sei.cmu.edu>
WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT ANY UNIVERSITY
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world,
but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time
replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board
for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up
by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted,
he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students
to read the Book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements,
most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually
held on a mountaintop.
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