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Grex > Homme > #56: Areas of disagreement in couples | |
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keesan
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Areas of disagreement in couples
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Sep 4 01:09 UTC 1998 |
Jim has read that married couples have the most disagreements, in this order,
on money (earning and spending), family and children (depending on which you
spent the most time with). Can grexers tell us what they consider to be the
most common areas of conflict in couples (married or not, homo- or
heterosexual) who are living together (not just temporary roommates)?
Please list the five or so greatest areas of discord in your relationship.
And maybe also a few of the lesser areas if they are interesting. He says
this is by frequency, not severity. (Hoping to see this linked to femme.)
He expects to find totally different items and rankings from the national
average. It would also be interesting to compare the responses from both
members of a couple.
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| 32 responses total. |
birdlady
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response 1 of 32:
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Sep 4 06:58 UTC 1998 |
1. Money
2. How often we see each other
3. Housekeeping (I like things neat...she is a SLOB)
4. Sex (how frequent, day or night, yada yada yada)
5. Personality - this includes the little quirks that annoy the
other person...I don't want to list things because everyone knows
what I mean
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birdlady
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response 2 of 32:
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Sep 4 07:03 UTC 1998 |
Oops... she=he, but the same was true when I lived with Rachael.
Funny how a typo can make a *huge* difference in meaning. =)
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mta
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response 3 of 32:
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Sep 4 14:30 UTC 1998 |
Housekeeping and decorating
How to spend time together (his friends and hobbies or mine)
Housekeeping!
money
Housekeeping...
;)
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i
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response 4 of 32:
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Sep 4 15:09 UTC 1998 |
"...*huge* difference in meaning"? What difference? This item is about
relationships, not birth control failures.
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keesan
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response 5 of 32:
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Sep 4 19:00 UTC 1998 |
We spend close to all our time together and don't like to spend money, so
those are not problems.
1. Communication (has to do with Jim's dyslexia, but we spend a lot of time
arguing over the meaning of what I said, or the fact that he did not hear it)
2. Possessions/projects - too many projects coming in, too few going out,
stuff in the way all over all the floors and tables and ..... (again, this
has to do with a learning disability and genetic lack of organization) This
is not exactly housekeeping but rather trying to keep things out of the house.
3. We are too busy to worry about how we spend our time or with whom. Trying
to keep up with the equivalent of at least three full-time jobs. Lack of free
time could be considered a problem.
Does anyone actually argue about relatives? We see Jim's sister twice a year.
In theory people argue about which relative they visit on holidays.
Do people argue about what to eat? The temperature of the house? Where to
go on vacation?
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mta
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response 6 of 32:
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Sep 4 19:56 UTC 1998 |
I've been in relationships where house temperature has been an issue -- what
to eat has never been as issue. Don't like what's for dinner? Make something
else.
We don't argue about relatives because we pretty much agree about them. His
mother's a goddess, his father is a twice a year duty, my relatives are far
away and better left so for the most part. No issues. ;)
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birdlady
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response 7 of 32:
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Sep 5 02:31 UTC 1998 |
Re #3 - I meant accidentally typing "she" instead of "he" makes a
huge difference in meaning...as in a lesbian relationship as
opposed to a hetero. But, of course, then I said in the next line
that Rachael and I had the same problems that Kevin and I have
right now. (Rachael is an ex)
How to decorate would probably be number six, along with
temperature of the house. I like it very cool and Kevin cranks it
up to seventy degrees. Yuck.
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i
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response 8 of 32:
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Sep 5 12:11 UTC 1998 |
On the subject of problems in relationships, i don't see that hetero/homo
is any bigger a difference than citizen/green card. Certainly the
responses so far here don't suggest that the ratio of X to Y chromosomes
is important. Hetero generally gets your relationship better social
support and worse odds of accidental pregnancy. Are these really big
issues?
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keesan
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response 9 of 32:
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Sep 5 13:14 UTC 1998 |
Jim also read that married men are most satisfied with relationships, followed
by single women, single men, and married women. I note that no men have
written in to complain about their relationships. Why? Is it possible that
the neatnik in hetero pairs is usually the woman, and the man does not notice
any problem in housekeeping?
Re temperature, some people metabolically require higher temperatures.
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otter
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response 10 of 32:
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Sep 7 00:29 UTC 1998 |
So much of our life is cleanly split into "his" "mine" and "ours" that we
rarely argue over time, space, money, etc. Thinking about it -- I can't
remember the last time we actually fought over anything. We have constructive
you-give-your-side-and-I'll-give-mine arguements that get lively, but never
heated. We're so happy together it's disgusting. 8^}
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senna
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response 11 of 32:
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Sep 7 07:18 UTC 1998 |
Hmm. As far as I can tell, my parents have no separation in dealing with any
of their posessions. Other than obvious things like Sport Illustrated,
there's no clear cut predominance of use.
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gypsi
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response 12 of 32:
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Sep 7 20:18 UTC 1998 |
My parents argue over money more than anything.
#2 - how to raise the children (now that 2/3 have moved out, it
really isn't an issue anymore)
#3 - what to watch and what to tape for later (I kid you not)
#4 - what's a weed and what's a flower
#5 - if they have already seen that movie at the video store
As you can see, my parents have a great relationship...it's simply
amazing.
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katie
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response 13 of 32:
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Sep 8 04:10 UTC 1998 |
My ex and I broke up over honeymoon plans.
He wanted to go to Hawaii, and I didn't want to get married.
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md
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response 14 of 32:
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Sep 8 11:02 UTC 1998 |
Ta-bomp.
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keesan
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response 15 of 32:
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Sep 8 16:03 UTC 1998 |
Please translate that last response.
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mta
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response 16 of 32:
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Sep 8 16:32 UTC 1998 |
It's an old Vaudeville thing.
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otter
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response 17 of 32:
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Sep 16 00:53 UTC 1998 |
A rim-shot.
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keesan
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response 18 of 32:
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Sep 16 20:55 UTC 1998 |
We have a frequent argument about Jim always leaving his shoes on top of mine.
(We take them off at the door). He always insists that he did not leave
them there. I wash my shoes frequently for that reason. 15 years of this.
Anybody else have equally ridiculous arguments?
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valerie
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response 19 of 32:
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Sep 20 13:20 UTC 1998 |
This response has been erased.
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scott
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response 20 of 32:
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Sep 20 13:43 UTC 1998 |
Well, if one person is getting frustrated about anything, argument is
inevitable. You might limit the damage by not letting the frustration build
up too much first...
My non-relationship housemate experience tell me that small arguments over
things that just happened are *much* better than big arguments over things
that happened a week ago. :/
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mta
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response 21 of 32:
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Sep 20 21:21 UTC 1998 |
I would sort of agree with that, Scott, except to say that for me, waiting
for the first rush of frustration to pass is a good idea. But speaking up
before it happens again is also important.
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scott
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response 22 of 32:
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Sep 20 23:06 UTC 1998 |
Yes, it's good to avoid snapping over something that isn't that big a deal.
Letting things fester is a Very Bad Idea, though.
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scg
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response 23 of 32:
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Sep 21 07:21 UTC 1998 |
I think my non-relationship apartment mate situation fell apart because we
took great pains to be very nice and polite to eachother, and after about
eight months of it I finally snapped and let out everything that had been
building all that time, and it went down hill from there. It probaly would
have gone a lot better if we could have had smaller arguments more frequently.
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valerie
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response 24 of 32:
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Sep 23 21:47 UTC 1998 |
This response has been erased.
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