Jokes

Nov 1 02:48 UTC 1995

Jokes
Lots of fun, what are some of the funniest jokes you've ever heard, That's
what this item is for, so postem!

response 2 of 53:

Nov 3 01:35 UTC 1995

Actually I was once trying to perfect an imitation of my boss by coming up
with the dumbest, most formulaic joke possible.  It started:
"A guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and orders two beers..."

But I could never figure out a punchline for it.  So instead I would use it
as a "shaggy dog" joke... This is back when I was a stagehand.  I'd pick a
time near the end of loading out a show, and start telling this joke to
whoever I was working with on the road crew.  I'd keep this joke going until
he had to leave, and would terefore be screwed out of hearing the punchline.
I had a set of things I could use to run it either until they poor guy had
to leave or he figured it out on his own.

response 4 of 53:

Nov 5 13:22 UTC 1995

See now, that's just the kind of line I was looking for.  What I ended up with
was that the bartender would say that the cash register was broken and he
couldn't sell any beers, but if the guy could help him do "xxx" he'd get the
beers on the house.  So the guy would help the bartender, get two beers, and
he and the parrot would drink the beers and then ask for two more beers, at
which the bartender would say that the cash register was broken...

It was pretty easy to make up goofy tasks that the bartender needed done.

response 6 of 53:

Nov 6 21:25 UTC 1995

Has anyone heard the purple passion joke? :)
<claire grins wickedly>
Shalom!
--Claire

response 8 of 53:

Nov 7 01:29 UTC 1995

alrighty then, now we haven't why don't you tell us

response 10 of 53:

Nov 24 20:59 UTC 1995

I knew a kid once who had a forty five minute version of that joke...

response 12 of 53:

Nov 29 22:40 UTC 1995

no...

response 14 of 53:

Dec 7 22:21 UTC 1995

this is going to be interesting...

response 16 of 53:

Dec 8 07:52 UTC 1995

Two truckdrivers are talking to each other in "Truckers Inn" somewhere
near Berlin, Germany. Both of them carry their loads to Poland and 
Russia. One of them says: Man, have I been scared yesterday.."
"How come?" says the other.
"Well, I was driving down the backroads of Poland when I suddenly got
the shits..."
"SO? No big deal, the food overthere is lousy."
"Let me finish.
I simply h a d to go, and there wasn't a truckstop within the range
of twenty miles. So I pulled over and got out. Behind the truck I 
pulled down my pants and squatted in the grass...
But as soon as did that I heard a loud gnawing sound, as if some
terrible animal was sneaking up on me.
In my panic I forgot I had to go and in my truck and got the
hell out of there.
But, I really had to go, and after a couple of miles I decided
to try it again."
"And?"
"The same thing! A soon as I squatted in the grass I heard that
horrifying gnawing sound again. Something like the grinding teeth
of a very hungry animal. At last I decided to do my job in my
cabin and get rid of the mess later.
If you don't mind my opinion: I think there are some dreadfull
monsters on the loose, overthere in Poland."
"Bollocks!", said the other,"There must be some explanation.
Before you know it, we've got another monster of Loch Ness in the
area. And you know that's a hoax.
You know what? Next time I'll join you to Poland."
And so it happened.
As they where driving through Poland they agreed to visit the very 
same spot, prepared and all with a club and an illegal gun.
Standing outside the truck they were waiting, and waiting and waiting..
"Nothing's happening, are you sure you weren't delerious at the
time? After you're known for your serious drinking."
"Shut the f*** up! Ofcourse I'm sure. Maybe they only sneak upon
when you squat with your back to the forest. I don't know..."
"Hmmm, you might have a point...So, here's the plan:
You pull down your pants just like you did when it happened, in
the meanwhile I'll be under the truck and keep an eye on you. Deal?"
"Deal."
The frightened driver pulled down his pants, squatted on the grass
and...as soon as he did that that terrible sound came up again.
Gnaw gnaw gnaw gnaw.
"Yikes!!" In panic he jumped up and ran to the truck.
Where he could find his friend rolling on the floor with laughter.
"Hey! That's is not funny. I scared the hell out of me, and you,
you...all you do is mock me. Haven't you seen that monster?"
"Oh, I have seen them allright." the other said." There's a whole
bunch of them.
And I can say: I have experienced a lot in my life but never, never
I've seen grass eating hamorrhoids."

Not bad for a foreigner eh?

response 18 of 53:

Dec 9 04:30 UTC 1995

tee hee

response 20 of 53:

Jan 1 18:04 UTC 1996

<orinoco grins>
I've heard a lot of versions of that one, my favorite being
"What is purple and dangerous?"
"A grape with a six-shooter".
Douglas Adams fans will recall the answer to "What is yellow and dangerous?"

response 22 of 53:

Jan 3 03:25 UTC 1996

<orinoco wonders why nobody reads great literature anymore>

response 24 of 53:

Jan 23 17:19 UTC 1996

heres one
There is this priest and a nun you see...
and theys all in the desert
goin on this journey and using a camel as transportation
at about the halfway point of this great journey the camel dies
the nun gets very upset but the priest actually gets a grin on his face
here they are, a hundred miles from nowhere
no water
no shelter
the nun says "we are gonna die out here"
the priest agrees and looks at the nun
"well if We are gonna die," the priest says, "lets have some fun"
the nun questions: "what do you want to do?"
well the priest sheds his robe and gets real naked
the nun gawks and points at the priest's thing
"whats that thing!?  Its growing!"  she gasps
"Its my magical wand of life!" he exclaimed

"THATS GREAT!!  STICK IT IN THE CAMEL AND LETS GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!"