length of time between meeting and marrying?

Nov 12 16:37 UTC 1997

for those of you who are married, or partnered permantly in some
way:
how long did you know your S.O. before you got married?

did you fall imediately in love, or lust? or did things
happen more slowly? did you know right away that this person
was the one for you?

response 2 of 46:

Nov 12 20:20 UTC 1997

Bruce and I  met at college, and we knew each other to nod to for
a couple of years -- had classes together, but weren't really friends.
Then my junior year, we started hanging out at the campus coffee
shop (there was only one, this was a *small* campus)at the same time,
since my room-mate of the time was working the switchboard. We started
talking, and I found out he was into sf, too --- it was really funny,
since he asked me if I wanted to see his starship plans (and very nice 
plans they were, too). Then I fell and broke my foot, and he started 
driving me home to the dorm, and then we started talking a lot, and
by the time my great-grandfather died at Thanksgiving, we had become
an item, and he asked me to marry him. We were engaged for thirteen months,
since we got married the January of my senior year.

response 4 of 46:

Nov 14 02:12 UTC 1997

Hmmm, I met Larry in August '94 -- it was kinda funny.  

I was 35, Larry was 46.

It had been a horrible summer.  I'd just miscarried, my eldest son had 
fallen 30 feet off a cliff while vacationing in Europe and broken his 
left ahnd off and I couldn't get to him, and Marcus and I had just 
broken up.  

Nonetheless, when it comes to depression, I don't have much of an 
attention span and I was tired of sitting around and feeling sorry for 
myself so I went to a Stilyagi (SF club) meeting.  Larry was there, 
though I didn't notice him at the time.  I did run into a friend there, 
though, and afterward she invited me to go play pinball with her and a 
few friends.  My first response was "pinball?  Ick.  No thanks", but 
after I'd turned around to walk to my car, and got to thinking about 
going home to the boarding house for another evening alone, I ran back 
and said "sure, pinball, great!".

There I ran into another old friend and his lady, and Voila! Larry was 
there.  Well, they were all being pals, and I felt kind of like an 
outsider.  I was too blue to start a conversation without some 
encouragement and no one seems to realize I was there -- so I decided to 
go home after all.

About 4 days later I was at Ec and Griz's wedding and -- there was 
Larry, hanging around the pop table.  Well, I had been a dancing fool 
all night and it was *very* hot in that loft, so eventually I went over 
to get something to drink.  To my surprise Larry remembered me and asked 
where I'd disappeared to the other night.  (Turns out he's shy, he had 
been busily working up the nerve to come over and chat with me.)

Well, I gave him the Readers Digest condensed version of my summer, and 
told him I had just needed to take my tears home to keep my dignity 
intact.  Well, the darling got tears in his eyes!  He was that touched 
by my pain!  Well, I decided that he was pretty cool, and started to 
flirt with him -- never figuring he'd be interested in me, but what the 
heck, I was out to have fun!

At the end of the evening I invited him to call me -- but I forgot to 
give him my number and he didn't ask.  (He thought *I* was just being 
nice.)  I realized the next day that I'd forgotten, and I called and 
left my number on his answering machine.  He called back a few hours 
later and we set a date to get together for dinner the next night at 7.

Meanwhile, both of us are thinking "Gads, what are we going to talk 
about with no one else there to keep the conversation going.  Neither of 
us is really good at the social thing.  Both of us considered feigning 
illness to call it off, but neither of us did.

That nigt we chatted about everything for hours -- we didn't even see 
the time passing until 1am when the place we had dined closed.  Even 
then, we went to another place to continue out conversation.

By December 94, Larry invited me to move into his apartment.  In 
February we did, all three of us.  <grin>  In March of 96, Larry told me 
that he'd talked to his Mom, and that she agreed with him that it was a 
very good idea for us to get married.  I was enchanted at such a 
typically Larry style proposal and we agreed to marry in September, 15 
months after we met.

In contrast, I had known my first husband for 7 years before we married 
and the marriage lasted 2.5 years.  I was 21 and he was 22 when we 
married.  It was disaster for both of us.

response 8 of 46:

Nov 15 16:10 UTC 1997

I guess I feel that way because I am not what I'd consider a magnet for guys. I
am the one that everyone says "Oh, you're smart, you're pretty, blah blah blah"
and yet am never asked out. I have asked guys out before and it was a disaster.
So you could say I am scarred.

Um, Valerie... if you know that you and Jan want to be together forever, and
you want to have a kid, why not get married? I am confused. I simply have a
hard time understanding establishing a bond that a kid creates, and yet not
wanting the marital aspect of it. I know I would feel weird if my parents lived
together and all but weren't married. It would make me feel like one of them
could just up and leave at any time. (Yes that can happen with a married couple
too, but it just seems the marriage would make a home more solid). 

response 10 of 46:

Nov 16 01:17 UTC 1997

Well, yeah, but that piece of paper is still nearly essential when you're
having a child. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but it would seem that being born
a bastard isn't a Good Thing even now, pearticularly if the parents
are already comitted to each other. And doesn't marriage automatically
give the father rights which he might not have (particularly in cases
of medical emergency) otherwise?

response 12 of 46:

Nov 16 02:10 UTC 1997

Well, it may be discredited in Ann Arbor, but it's not other places. (I 
don't live in those other places anymore, but I know that attitudes in 
heartland America aren't exactly what you might think.) 

And what about BEFORE baby is born? What if there's a medical emergency and

Dad has to make a decison, only he's not Mom's next of kin? Things can and
do happen which would not be covered by a domestic partnership, as far too
many gay couples have found out to their sorrow.

Not to say that I disapprove of whatever anyone may decide, since it's their
life, but I would never consider having a baby out of wedlock and don't really
understand why anyone would, if they were in a relationship already. (I eman,
accidents happen when you're dating, and you may end up being a single mom,
but if you're in a realtionship, why NOT go for the piece of paper?)

response 16 of 46:

Nov 16 22:45 UTC 1997

Idealistic? Maybe. But I hardly see true commitment as idealistic. It's a goal.
My parents have been married 34 years, so I know it can happen.

Certainly I agree that both people need the level of commitment to make the
marriage work. A friend of mine married at 21. She was the first of my friends
to marry and everyone just fawned over that. All she'd ever wanted was to be a
wife and mom. They began having problems and I don't know what alien crawled
into their heads and told them that having a baby would solve it. (Hell even I
could tell you that was stupid). She had her son at 23. Of course things got
worse. 

Her husband was cheating on her. Even so, my friend wanted to go to counseling.
He said he wanted a divorce, she could have full custody of their son, and said
he'd felt forced to marry her (and yet didn't HE propose?). I think both of
them just wanted to be married is all... wanting the engagement and wedding,
like you said. In love with love so to speak. Her ex now has visitation rights
but he usually skips them.  Child support has been off and on. She and her son
have had to move back in with her parents. 

So, I do see the point that although one partner may be willing to give it all
to see it through, but if the other isn't, it's almost impossible. 

response 18 of 46:

Nov 17 05:15 UTC 1997

Orinoco, oh I think marriage *can* mean true committment -- if both partner
really think and feel that way.  It's just a mistake to think it always
follows.

response 20 of 46:

Nov 18 15:21 UTC 1997

I guess I have had the worst example, my parents got divorced after seven
years of icy and cold war with small scirmishes in between. I longed more for
school, each day, than to return home. That can be called odd. After they had
stayed together for the kids, as one calls it, they finally decided it was
time.
I still regret they didn't separate sooner.
Thus, I definately am not in for marriage. But you never can say never.

response 22 of 46:

Nov 19 13:44 UTC 1997

Exactly.
(one of the traumas from childhood)

response 24 of 46:

Nov 25 03:48 UTC 1997

Here's a train of thought.

I believe (if I'm wrong, feel free to correct me) that there is a type of
wedding ceremony used by some pagans called a handfasting.  To a couple who
both believe in this, the handfasting ceremony would probably mean more to
them than any legal "I do" does.

Now if you look at this from the other side of the coin, if a couple felt
a legal here's your piece of paper marriage meant a lot to them, but they
do not subscribe to handfasting, why on earth would they go do a
handfasting ceremony?  Chances are they wouldn't. 

Different couples have different ways of deeming their relationship to be
real.  Some don't even need a ceremony to know that they will be together
forever.  It just so happens that in this society, more people appear to
be in the second group described above than in the first group.

Yes, in this world, having a legal piece of paper may be advantageous. 
But if it doesn't mean anything to a certain couple to have a piece of
paper or any type of ceremony, it's a free country.  There isn't any
catchall solution to anything in life.  People are different.  Therefore
lifestyles will be different.  If nobody gets hurt, there is no absolute
right or wrong.  It's each to his/her own. 

That make sense to anyone? 

[set drift = off]