response 2 of 33:

Apr 14 13:38 UTC 1995

For us, I suspect it would have been a disaster to have kids in the very
beginning of our marriage, because I had no experience whatever with
young children and little social support (families on fairly good terms
but not really close emotionally, & in Illinois or farther), and I am 
a low-energy person in general -- and I was our primary financial support 
for eight years.

Now that we finally are parents, I look back in regret at some of the 
things I didn't do when I had free time, and I look forward wondering
how much time there will be after the cubs leave the den.   

But really it depends more on the individual -- some people
have more energy at forty than I had when I was twenty, and natural gifts
of discernment.  The passage of time does not necessarily confer 
wisdom or financial security.  Children should be born at a time when 
they will be loved and cared for and allowed to grow.

response 4 of 33:

Apr 16 22:07 UTC 1995

My father was fond of saying that if you wait til everything's perfect
before you start a family, you'll never have kids.  I'm not sure that's
a bad thing.  He and my Mom had six kids before her 25th birthday.
(Youch!  At times I thought 2 were gonna be the death of me.)

response 6 of 33:

Apr 19 02:27 UTC 1995

I didn't know you'd met my folks, Mary.  ;)

response 8 of 33:

May 9 15:37 UTC 1995

I had my kids at 27, 29, and 34. My husband and I were married for
4 years before my 1st was born.  We picked then to start because
I had an overwhelming urge. I could no longer imagine life without
a baby.  FInances did not play a part in it.

Well, I can say that I definitely felt the difference between the 1st and
the last.  I tired much more easily when I was older.  I would have liked
to start earlier, but we had a great life as a couple, so I have no
regrets about our choice.  I find I am more easily exhausted but much more
mature about the choices I make now, so the tradeoff in age is not too
unequal...I have less energy, but I also waste less. 

One thng to think about is when to end as well as when to start having
kids.  Several of my doctors had large families, and in their late 50s
were still working to put the youngest through college & grad school. 
Their comment was to think about the kid's age in relation to retirement
plans:  to you want an adults only retirement at 55, or will you be happy
with a 10-year old at home and still years away from moving out
independently?  It seems hard to think that far ahead but it made sense to me.

Career didn't matter to me:  that was secondary to kids, and I had enough
confidence to think that I could do what I want when I want, but there was
this biological clock...tick tock

BTW, I'm 37 now and we'd like another!  I know I'll feel my age, but  it's
okay...

response 10 of 33:

May 26 21:30 UTC 1995

I, for one, feel that it is ok to hold off.  I don't know when I'll
have children, but I don't think now would be a good time (especially
since I'm in my office :)).  There are just so many issues that must
be dealt with first, and though I ooh and aah at every baby that I 
see, I know that it can probably wait.  My best friend Cathy had a 
baby three months ago and so I know how that feels.  

response 16 of 33:

Jul 6 12:10 UTC 1995

15: You  "don't want to start out that way"? or you don't want the child to
start out that way??  The cruelest thing you can do is to have children
to satisfy selfish reasons, particularly without a legally responsible 
father (i.e., married).  Why anyone would set out to have a kid with 2
strikes against it right from the start is against my comprehension.

response 18 of 33:

Jul 7 11:41 UTC 1995

re # 17:  I know a few single mothers, some are divorced (the kids
do have a "legally responsible father") and some have never married.
All will tell you that it is much harder to raise children alone
as there isno one to share the stresses or the hard decisions 
with you.  But it is better than being in a bad marriage and
having those stresses  too.  So a single parent may be good, but
two parents who can work together to raise a family are better for
each other and for the kids.

BTW, one single parent I know of has adopted 3 kids from a 
3rd world country.  She is a happy mom, works full time, and gave
three orphans a wonderful future.  

response 20 of 33:

Jul 9 05:01 UTC 1995

Er, my personal experience is that single parenting can be easier, not
harder as simcha indicates.  In fact, I raised my son from the age of 4
until 14 as a single parent, and the easiest of those 14 years were when
all the decisions were mine and there was nobody else to consider sharing
the load.  Now, I'm not saying it's the best for the child, but it was
certainly easier for me. 

The best way I can put it is it's very much like the relationship between
the father and the son in "Kramer vs. Kramer".  In the beginning it was
chaotic and scary but, out of necessity, you get organized and energized
real quick like.  You get good at taking responsibility, setting
priorities, and building skills that you never lose (and that you teach
your child by example).  And there is a bond that develops that I'm
certain is a close as it can get between a parent and child.  There is no
parental bickering over whose turn it is to do this or that care-taking
task 'cause it's all yours, baby. Of course, there is a lot of fatigue,
but you survive and get stronger. And you get to experience a sense of
pride and accomplishment that is enough for two. 

I was a far better single parent than I would have been a co-parent.
Because I had to be.

response 22 of 33:

May 3 22:36 UTC 1996

Cool responses, all of these. I always thought I would have kids, but it's
hitting me lately that I am 23 and within maybe 4 or so years, I could be a
mom... provided I find the right person. I don't want to wait until my mid
or late 30s to have kids, because I don't want to be pushing 60 when the kids
are still teenagers (that is just my view, maybe it will change). My dad came
from older parents and it was bad... they were both dead by the time he was
50... his dad died when he was just 25. That's why my parents had me and my
brother before they were 30... they just turned 53 and it's not too bad an
age gap. My best friend has older parents... her mom is 60 and her dad is
almost 70 and is in poor health. She is afraid he will die before he sees his
grandkids or  before he can give her away at her wedding. I have noticedthat
people who come from older parents seem set in their ways, resistant to
change, and just seem old themselves (I realize there are exceptions to this
all the time). But I know I couldn't have a kid now, I am too young! 

It seems that my friends who are my age who already have kids wanted the
pregnancy experience (which I admit I do too) and figured when the baby was
born, they could stay at home and play mommy. Then they realized it was harder
than that... it's more than rocking and picking out a nice name for the kid.
One friend I have is the mother of a 2 year old boy, and her husband just left
her and isn't paying child support. Her white picket fence image has been
blown all to hell., and now she has a son to raise alone. I wouldn't trade
places with her for anything.

response 24 of 33:

May 4 19:08 UTC 1996

Hmm. Seems like it. I know there ae moms who up and leave too, and it's just
as devastating. (sorry for the typo was written AGAIN, grr!). From what I have
been told, my friend's marriage was a bad one from the start. She quit school
when she got pregnant. It had been my impression that she mainly wanted to
stay home with  the kid, even though she only had a year of school left. Turns
out her husband wouldn't "let " her go back to school. He has told her now
that he never loved her and never wanted to marry her.... talk about
rejection.

Thing is, I know of many women who can sit and spend hours thinking of what
they will name their future children, how they will decorate the nursery, what
outfits will look good. I know of many women who don't even have boyfriends,
but will go to stores to check out china patters for when they get married.
They assume their husbands will make enough money so they can stay home, which
is rare thing these days! 

As for my friend's ex, he has moved into a posh apartment downtown and has
a girlfriend, and says he'd rahter go to jail than pay child support.