Gender communications gap???

Sep 23 21:46 UTC 1993

In his book, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are Fron Venus", John Gray says,
"A woman under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions
to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being
understood."  And "Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the
intricate details of solving problems, a woman is fulfilled through talking
about the details of her problems." 

Recognizing the pitfalls of generalizations, how do you feel about these
statements, and do they apply to you?

response 2 of 33:

Sep 24 03:45 UTC 1993

Hmm... according to this theory, I must be a woman.  Excuse me a moment...


Nope.  It doesn't hold any water in my book.

response 4 of 33:

Sep 25 02:30 UTC 1993

These are interesting statements that do not appear to apply to me.  If a 
problem has no accessible solution, I find that putting it into words
sometimes provides some relief -- but certainly not fulfilment.  It merely
turns a devil I don't know into one that I do, so to speak.

response 6 of 33:

Sep 25 21:10 UTC 1993

Gray's basic thesis is that men and women have different styles, methods and
techniques of communicating and if one doesnt understand the differences,
communications are misread or misunderstood.  For example, in response to
hearing about a problem, he says that men "mistakenly offer solutions and
invalidate feelings, while women offer unsolicited advice and direction."  
"Martians tend to pull away and silently think about what's bothering them,
Venusiams feel an instinctive need to talk about what's bothering them."
Again, this is a generalization, but I will say that many communications
problems between couples occur because a woman will express out loud a
concern or porblem she has to her mate, and instead of relecting back the
concern he hears and perhaps shares, he tends to tell her how to solve the
problem.  He then, doesnt understand why she gets angry and she feels
demeaned (perhaps too strong a term) because he doesnt seem to believe she
has the capability to work it out herself.  Or, more often, because the 
solution he offers is one she is not comfortable with.   

Also, Steve, after reading the book, I dont believe Gray is putting either sex
down.  You can easily get that impression from the quote I took out of total
context, and I can see where you would get that opinion.  He is advocating for
an understanding of different communication styles.  I agree that
communications styles cause many misunderstandings, but I wonder if they are as
gender specific as he seems to believe.

response 8 of 33:

Sep 26 08:00 UTC 1993

My experiences bear out this author's statements to a large
degree.  I have to keep reminding my SO that I *don't* want
him to up and solve my problems when I'm upset, and that I
simply want him to listen, nod his head, and be sympathetic
for awhile.  I can usually figure out solutions for myself
when I'm ready for them.

response 10 of 33:

Sep 28 22:27 UTC 1993

I dunno, while I always like to think someone is listening, I'll take 
solutions pretty much anywhere I can find them.

response 12 of 33:

Sep 29 14:33 UTC 1993

I agree that sometime people just want someone to listen and don't want
advice or solutions.  I always found that strange - if there is a problem,
I naturally want to solve it.

response 14 of 33:

Sep 30 06:57 UTC 1993

Apparently I'm a Venusian.  I've gotten alot of milage out of the simple
statement: "I don't want you to fix it for me.  Please just listen and
let me talk it out."  While many "martian" types have found this a strange
request the first time, none have ever been unable to do so or even
unwilling.  It's saved me countless games of "Yeah, but" over the years.

response 16 of 33:

Sep 30 22:13 UTC 1993

In some cases it has less to do with self-esteem than with communication style.
When advice/solutions are couches as you could xxx or xxxx, it's easy
enough to see it as advice.  But when it's couched as what you have to do is
xxx or why don't you xxx, that can be harder to think of as advice to take
or leave since once is so "authoritative" and the other seems to demand
and answer.

response 18 of 33:

Oct 1 19:11 UTC 1993

I agree with Dan about semantics.  When I say "solve it" thiis venus speak
for I want to see it solved.  It's very rare that anyone else can actually
solve a personal problem for someone else.

response 20 of 33:

Feb 4 20:35 UTC 1994

That's such an important aspect of "accurate" communication style. .making
sure you are able to ask the person with whom you are communicating for
what you need and want.  So often people expect others to mind read and then
get angry or hurt when their significant other doesn't give them what they
need. Knowing that you tend to respond to others in a problem solving mode is
important and when you believe you have not been appreciated or even
understaood, refer back to that knowledge.  Then you are likely to be able to
express this tendency and ask if there is another response or response style
that would be more helpful at this particular moment.  Did you ever reconnect
with Ozone House Chris?  Actually, I thought I heard it closed down, but I may
be wrong.

response 22 of 33:

Feb 7 02:38 UTC 1994

<grin> Point to Valerie, but in my case it is of course true.  <bigger grin>
As to Ozone House, I didn't ever reconnect with them.  At the time my poor
little ego was sore, and after I grew up and got over it, I was in the midst
of other things.  I don't know whether Ozone House still exists.

response 24 of 33:

Feb 18 00:17 UTC 1994

yeah, Ozone House is still around.