Review and Discussion of the book "Fat, Broke & Lonely No More!"

Jul 21 21:32 UTC 2007

There's a book that just came out in May [2007] that I came across while
browsing at  Nicola's earlier in the week; It's called "Fat, Broke &
Lonely No More!  Your Personal  Solution to Overeating, Overspending,
and Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places" by  Victoria Moran.  And
it looked pretty interesting.  It seems to be a common enough theme  for
many women [hence the item here in the women's conference], though
apparently its  somewhat common for the guys as well.

From the inside cover: "Do you ever obsess about whether to order
dessert, buy those  pricey sandals, or be totally honest on a third
date?  If so, then you are already  acquainted with the fear of being
fat, broke & lonely.  If only we could eat less, get paid  better, and
be more outgoing.  Only its not that simple> Our endless quest to be
fit, flush,  and partnered [no matter where we fall on the scale]
inevitabley makes us feel fat, broke  & lonely.  The symptoms are
anxiety, shame, and fear, and the diagnosis is feeling  miserable about
ourselves.  We have two choices: give up, convinced that this is just a 
lifelong, losing battle, or go toe-to-toe with our negative self-image
and take back our  lives.  Real life anecdotes, practical strategies,
and a touch of sass make this  revolutionary five-step plan a must-read.
 First, Moran helps us discover the root of the  symptoms. Then we learn
how to break up with fat, broke & lonely for good. And finally,  we
learn how to hook up with the life of our dreams--and who doesn't want
that?"

I haven't gone into a whole lot of depth in this book [as yet] so I
don't know if/how  idealistic/difficult/easy these ideas are that the
author speaks about.  But I'm sure its  something that can get me
thinking...

response 2 of 44:

Jul 21 23:57 UTC 2007

Ah, here you are!  

What does the author think is the reason we get into this condition in
the first place!

response 4 of 44:

Jul 22 09:56 UTC 2007

Re: Fat. 

Well, since I *am* fat, I pretty much always feel fat. What I have 
learned is that being fat is probably outside of my control. Or 
rather, what it would take for me to be not fat is more than I can do 
and still be sane and happy. I have also learned that doesnt mean that 
I am a bad person. Being fat also doesnt mean that I necessarily have 
to be terribly unhealthy. So I changed my goal away from losing weight 
and have made new goals that are more attainable. e.g. walking several 
times a week is a goal. Making sure I eat enough fruits and veggies is 
a goal. Reducing my sugar intake is a goal. Those are all good things 
but are not things that cause me to lose a significant amount of 
weight.

I have put a lot of focus on not internalizing the messages our 
culture has about fat, especially those messages that arent based in 
fact. For instance, it isnt laziness on my part that keeps me fat. It 
isnt a complete lack of willpower that keeps me fat. It is a constant 
battle though because our culture tends to shame people for being fat. 
A lot of people consider it a moral failing. 

Basically my solution to feeling fat has been to change my outlook on 
what fat means. It doesnt mean I am unhealthy although since it is a 
risk factor for certain things, it does mean that I need to monitor my 
health more closely than others might need to. It doesnt mean that I 
am a bad person. It doesnt mean that I am ugly. It just means that I 
have a body shape that is different than most people's. 

response 6 of 44:

Jul 22 10:23 UTC 2007

Re: Lonely. 

I guess there are different types of loneliness. 

There is what I consider real lonliness where one finds oneself cut 
off from the rest of the world. Sometimes in the winter I experience 
this because I tend to get depressed in the winter. It is a vicious 
cycle. I get depressed enough that just going to work sucks up most of 
my energy so I dont make an effort to socialize. Then the lack of 
social interaction means that I start to feel lonely, which makes me 
more depressed, which in turn, makes me even less likely to do social 
things. I often have to make a real effort to socialize even if it is 
only talking to someone on the phone for a half hour. 

Being social and making the emotional connections that prevent 
loneliness are hard work. But important work. When I feel lonely, I 
call people and make an effort to see them. I tell people I love them. 
I hug my friends. 

There is also the loneliness of being single. Some of that, though, 
isnt real loneliness on my part, but rather a response to cultural 
expectations that people, and especially women, be partnered up. 
Mostly, I have decided that I am going to be single for the rest of my 
life and I have come to terms with that. I honestly believe that it is 
better to be single than to be with the wrong person. If the right 
person should happen to come along, that is great. 

Being single and feeling that particular kind of loneliness is still 
hard though. I dont meet very many men that I am interested in but 
when I do, they have (so far) pretty much always rejected me at some 
point or another. Well, all the men have rejected me except for the 
ones I rejected first! haha. Seriously though, that is a mind set I 
fall into occasionally. I will think, "Every man in the world has 
rejected me" but really that isnt true because there have been men who 
havent but whom I felt were lacking in one way or another so I 
actually was the one who rejected them. I guess it is easier to forget 
the people one rejects as romantic partners than the other ones. And 
ok, while I am not beating my many suiters off with a stick (although 
I did recently have a guy camped out on my front lawn), I do have some 
men who are interested. It just hasnt been anyone in whom I am also 
interested. 

response 8 of 44:

Jul 22 13:41 UTC 2007

I'm waiting for the book about men called "Fat, Broke and Drunk No More."

response 10 of 44:

Jul 22 14:30 UTC 2007

Fat, hrmmmm.  For me, fat has been less of a cultural burden.  *I'm* fat
when I have to buy new clothes because the current ones don't fit, not
because they are worn out.  

My weight has peaked a few times.  Once, I worked at bringing my eating
back in line.  A couple times it has dropped unconsciously when the
stress ended.  

Mostly I worry about what I eat, not what I weigh.  That said, I have to
work hard at conscious eating.  When I eat unconsciously, I often have a
very unbalanced diet, and eat more than I need.  The consequence of
these eating patterns is that I weigh more than I would like to.  

response 12 of 44:

Jul 22 16:35 UTC 2007

I have to admit that I really like my alone time too. It is very easy 
for me to spend a whole weekend at home where the only time I go out 
is to take the dog for a walk. Sometimes on such weekends, I walk the 
dog either very early in the morning or very late at night in order to 
reduce the chances of running into people. 

I think that making a rule not to do that two weekends in a row is a 
good one. 

response 14 of 44:

Jul 22 20:26 UTC 2007

I started reading the book this morning [but haven't gotten too far yet,
so I don't have too  much to share as yet].  I have a difficult time
remembering the details of what I read,  mainly remembering that I liked
or didn't like something, that it made sense or not,  whatever. This is
frustrating when, later, I want to further process the info [since I
often  don't do that as I read or participate in stuff].  So I started
underlining/highlighting stuff I  want to remember or go back over again
later, and I'm writing notes/comments/questions  in the margins.  More
on those things later, I'm not at home right now to refer back to.

response 16 of 44:

Jul 22 21:02 UTC 2007

Being broke: This is an ongoing thing for me.  During my working years,
I sometimes  had more of a disposable income then other times.  But I
never learned how to budget  my money, balance my checkbook, keep track
of income and outgo, etc. Again, am  often harassed by family that this
is something that I'm not good at.  I'm definitely am  an impulsive
spender alot of the time, which, especially now that I'm not working,
isn't  a good thing.  A lot of the time, I avoid going to places where I
like to spend  [bookstores, craft stores, eating out, that sort of
thing].  Or sometimes I just don't go  out for long periods of time to
avoid the temptations [and to not have to spend as much  $$ on gas and
save wear and tear on my car that is getting a bit up there in years and
 mileage--and I'm not always able to afford the maintenance and
recommended work  the car needs].

Off and on over the past 10 years or so, I've tried to get help with
learning how to  budget [through credit-counseling sort of places, a
class at the church I used to go to, a  past counselor taught me how to
balance my checkbook--finally having learned to do  so in my early 40s,
and most recently, talking to someone at the Center for  Independent
Living here in AA.  One of my brothers had also offered to help me with 
budgetting but since he lives a couple hours away, it wasn't really
followed up on.]

Even with the stuff I've learned, I still have problems keeping track of
everything,  though sometimes I try harder than other times.  Sometimes
I feel resentful when I  can't have the things others have.  And not
just the 'stuff' they have, but not having to  worry about living from
paycheck to paycheck, not worrying about housing, food,  paying
utilities and such--though I know people with higher incomes still worry
about  these things.  I also sometimes feel bad [and sometimes
resentful, especially when its  other family members] that I can't have
the vacations/travel that others have.

Being on disability, I do live from paycheck to paycheck.  In the recent
past, I've really  been trying hard to cut expenses; sometimes I'm
successful on this path, other times  not so much.  

So yes, I do feel like I'm broke, though at the moment, I do have a roof
over my head  and food in the refridgerator/pantry.  But I often wonder
what's going to happen as  time goes on and things happen.  I've been
super-close to becoming homeless while I  was still living in NC or not
having food to eat but at the last minute [more than once]  was provided
monetary assistance from others. But this is something that I can't
count  on, so I need to find a way to stick within my means.  

Because of health issues, I'm really resisting the idea of perhaps
trying to go back to  work part time; it's something I'm really afraid
to do because of my 'issues' I'm trying  to deal with.  But eventually,
I may have to go back to work [and am currently working  with a
counselor at the Michigan Rehab Services that's provided to me through
SS  Disability...  So we're currently exploring my options and looking
at if I *can* work out  a budget that would allow me not having to
work-and a plan that I'd be able to stick  with.  Time will tell how
this works out. In the meantime, I'm still in constant fear that  I'm
not going to 'make it'.  Such is the life I've lived over the past few
years...

[This is probably more detail than I should be posting on a public
forum...]

response 18 of 44:

Jul 23 22:01 UTC 2007

Interesting article here:

http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2007/07/23/obesegirls.html

After tracking 11,000 American adolescents, a study released Monday
found that following secondary school, obese girls in the U.S. were half
as likely to enroll in college, versus their non-obese peers. 

Written by Robert Crosnoe, from the University of Texas at Austin, the
study was published in the July issue of the journal, Sociology of
Education. It defines obese young people as those individuals at the
highest end of the body mass index (BMI), a ratio of weight to height.

It found that, "Obese girls were less likely to enter college after high
school than were their non-obese peers, especially when they attended
schools in which obesity was relatively uncommon."
------------------------

It also turned out that obese boys were no less likely to attend
college, no matter what their high school situation.  

Whatever the messages are, they impact girls selectively, and probably
have a great deal of impact on being fat, broke, and lonely.  

response 20 of 44:

Jul 23 22:56 UTC 2007

Women are over represented in college populations these days.  According
to the National Center for Education Statistics, males make up only 44
percent of collegiate student bodies -- down from 58 percent 30 years
ago. So, lots more women than men go to college.  

(Acceptance is the decision of the kid to go to a particular college. 
Lots of kids are offered admission to multiple schools, but they can
only accept one.)

Are you suggesting that the reps themselves are comfortable with obese
boys, but uncomfortable with obese girls, and this influences their
recommendations?  That doesn't sound likely if the admission rates are
what they are.  Given that 66% of college students are women, you'd have
to have a pretty ferocious selection criterion that only allowed in the
slim ones.  

I would guess that the obese girls, with all the self-esteem problems
that go along with being obese in high school, are self-selecting out of
college.  

response 22 of 44:

Jul 23 23:00 UTC 2007

OOps, Colleen slipped in.  I guess I *have* heard that female college
students now  outnumber the male students.  Though in my response above,
I was just rambling, typing  thougts; not sure what, if anything, I was
implying...  Just a curiousity.  :-)

response 24 of 44:

Jul 23 23:06 UTC 2007

This afternoon, I did read and highlight a few things that I'm going to
want to mull over a  bit more...  Though since there might be interest
in some of you getting the book, I'm not  sure how much detail y'all
want me to go into at this time [and spoil what you'll find later]?   I
can hold off for a little while but if there's enough interest, I can
highlight some of the  issues as I go along.

On a side note, I also started another book this week--"The Artist's
Way" that came out  about 10 years or so ago.  It's about unblocking
one's creativity and thus, enjoy a more  authentic journey through life.
 It's written as a 12-Week course with homework  assignments, which I've
already started on a little bit.

I think working through both of these books at the same time should be
pretty interesting.