George Carlin's "Seven dirty words"

Feb 8 06:43 UTC 1996

The following is a verbatim transcript of "Filthy Words" prepared by the
Federal
     Communications Commission. 

     Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the curse words and the
     swear words, the cuss words and the words that you can't say, that you're
     not supposed to say all the time, [']cause words or people into words want
     to hear your words. Some guys like to record your words and sell them back
     to you if they can, (laughter) listen in on the telephone, write down what
     words you say. A guy who used to be in Washington knew that his phone was
     tapped, used to answer, Fuck Hoover, yes, go ahead. (laughter) Okay, I was
     thinking one night about the words you couldn't say on the public, ah,
     airwaves, um, the ones you definitely wouldn't say, ever, [']cause I heard
     a lady say bitch one night on television, and it was cool like she was
     talking about, you know, ah, well, the bitch is the first one to notice
     that in the litter Johnie right (murmur) Right. And, uh, bastard you can
     say, and hell and damn so I have to figure out which ones you couldn't and
     ever and it came down to seven but the list is open to amendment, and in
     fact, has been changed, uh, by now, ha, a lot of people pointed things out
     to me, and I noticed some myself. The original seven words were, shit,
     piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother-fucker, and tits. Those are the ones
     that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and (laughter) maybe,
     even bring us, God help us, peace without honor (laughter) um, and a
     bourbon. (laughter) And now the first thing that we noticed was that word
     fuck was really repeated in there because the word motherfucker is a
     compound word and it's another form of the word fuck. (laughter) You want
     to be a purist it doesn't really it can't be on the list of basic words.
     Also, cocksucker is a compound word and neither half of that is really
     dirty. The word the half sucker that's merely suggestive (laughter) and
     the word cock is a half-way dirty word, 50% dirty dirty half the time,
     depending on what you mean by it. (laughter) Uh, remember when you first
     heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to giggle. And the cock crowed three
     times, heh (laughter) the cock three times. It's in the Bible, cock in the
     Bible. (laughter) And the first time you heard about a cock-fight,
     remember What? Huh? naw. It ain't that, are you stupid? man. (laughter,
     clapping) It's chickens, you know, (laughter) Then you have the four
     letter words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck. The word
     shit, uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has
     never really accepted it and approved it. They use it like, crazy but it's
     not really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word.
     (laughter) They don't like that, but they say it, like, they say it like,
     a lady now in a middle-class home, you'll hear most of the time she says
     it as an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. She
     says, Oh shit oh shit, (laughter) oh shit. If she drops something, Oh, the
     shit hurt the broccoli. Shit. Thank you. (footsteps fading away) (papers
     ruffling) 

     Read it! (from audience) 

     Shit! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy album. Isn't that
     groovy? (clapping, whistling) (murmur) That's true. Thank you. Thank you
     man. Yeah. (murmur) (continuous clapping) Thank you man. Thank you. Thank
     you very much, man. Thank, no, (end of continuous clapping) for that and
     for the Grammy, man, [']cause (laughter) that's based on people liking it
     man, yeh, that's ah, that's okay man. (laughter) Let's let that go, man. I
     got my Grammy. I can let my hair hang down now, shit. (laughter) Ha! So!
     Now the word shit is okay for the man. At work you can say it like crazy.
     Mostly figuratively, Get that shit out of here, will ya? I don't want to
     see that shit anymore. I can't cut that shit, buddy. I've had that shit up
     to here. I think you're full of shit myself. (laughter) He don't know shit
     from Shinola. (laughter) you know that? (laughter) Always wondered how the
     Shinola people felt about that (laughter) Hi, I'm the new man from
     Shinola. (laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. (laughter) How are ya?
     (laughter) Boy, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch. (laughter)
     Guess, I'll shit on my watch. (laughter) Oh, the shit is going to hit de
     fan. (laughter) Built like a brick shit-house. (laughter) Up, he's up
     shit's creek. (laughter) He's had it. (laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry.
     (laughter) Hot shit, holy shit, tough shit, eat shit, (laughter)
     shit-eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill. (murmur laughter)
     He had a shit-eating grin! He had a what? (laughter) Shit on a stick.
     (laughter) Shit in a handbag. I always like that. He ain't worth shit in a
     handbag. (laughter) Shitty. He acted real shitty. (laughter) You know what
     I mean? (laughter) I got the money back, but a real shitty attitude. Heh,
     he had a shit-fit. (laughter) Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there.
     (murmur, laughter) All the animals Bull shit, horse shit, cow shit, rat
     shit, bat shit. (laughter) First time I heard bat shit, I really came
     apart. A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw! Bat shit. (laughter)
     Vera reminded me of that last night, ah (murmur). Snake shit, slicker than
     owl shit. (laughter) Get your shit together. Shit or get off the pot.
     (laughter) I got a shit-load full of them. (laughter) I got a shit-pot
     full, all right. Shit-head, shit-heel, shit in your heart, shit for
     brains, (laughter) shit-face, heh (laughter) I always try to think how
     that could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got
     drunk and fell in some shit, you know. (laughter) Hey, I'm shit-face.
     (laughter) Shit-face, today. (laughter) Anyway, enough of that shit.
     (laughter) The big one, the word fuck that's the one that hangs them up
     the most. [']Cause in a lot of cases that's the very act that hangs them
     up the most. So, it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same
     effect. It's a great word, fuck, nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of.
     Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. (laughter) Fuck. (Murmur) You
     know, it's easy. Starts with a nice soft sound fuh ends with a kuh. Right?
     (laughter) A little something for everyone. Fuck (laughter) Good word.
     Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am FUCK. (laughter) FUCK OF THE
     MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN.
     (laughter) It's an interesting word too, [']cause it's got a double kind
     of a life personality dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It
     leads a double life, the word fuck. First of all, it means, sometimes,
     most of the time, fuck. What does it mean? It means to make love. Right?
     We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to
     fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. (laughter) we're really going to
     fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. Right? And it also means the
     beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so there's the word
     hanging around with words like love, and life, and yet on the other hand,
     it's also a word that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a
     heavy. It's one that you have toward the end of the argument. (laughter)
     Right? (laughter) You finally can't make out. Oh, fuck you man. I said,
     fuck you. (laughter, murmur) Stupid fuck. (laughter) Fuck you and
     everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man. It would be nice to change
     the movies that we already have and substitute the word fuck for the word
     kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a
     little bit. Madfuckers still on the loose. Stop me before I fuck again.
     Fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. Easy
     on the clutch Bill, you'll fuck that engine again. (laughter) The other
     shit one was, I don't give a shit. Like it's worth something, you know?
     (laughter) I don't give a shit. Hey, well, I don't take no shit,
     (laughter) you know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit?
     (laughter) [']Cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) If I give a shit, I
     would have to pack shit. (laughter) But I don't pack no shit cause I don't
     give a shit. (laughter) You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) That's
     a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out the bird's ass. You
     wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) It's an eight-year-old joke but a
     good one. (laughter) The additions to the list. I found three more words
     that had to be put on the list of words you could never say on television,
     and they were fart, turd and twat, those three. (laughter) Fart, we talked
     about, it's harmless It's like tits, it's a cutie word, no problem. Turd,
     you can't say but who wants to, you know? (laughter) The subject never
     comes up on the panel so I'm not worried about that one. Now the word twat
     is an interesting word. Twat! Yeh, right in the twat. (laughter) Twat is
     an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang
     word applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have
     another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch, box and pussy all have other
     meanings, man. Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, We're going to
     snatch that pussy and put him in a box and bring him on the airplane.
     (murmur, laughter) Everybody loves it. The twat stands alone, man, as it
     should. And two-way words. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding into
     town on a religious feast day. (laughter) You can't say, up your ass.
     (laughter) You can say, stuff it! (murmur) There are certain things you
     can say its weird but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh,
     want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh space
     travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you also. (clapping
     whistling)