response 1 of 22:

Mar 5 18:44 UTC 1998

An efficiency expert was given a ticket for a performance of 
Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.  The next morning she wrote 
a memo to the concert office:
      
1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing 
to do.  Their number should be reduced and their work spread 
over the whole orchestra, avoiding peaks of inactivity.
      
2. All 12 violins were playing identical notes.  This seems 
to be unneeded duplication, and the staff of this section 
should be cut.  If a volume of sound is really required, 
this could be accomplished with the use of an amplifier.
      
3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes.  
This appears to be an excessive refinement, and it is recommended 
that all notes be rounded up to the nearest 8th note.  
If this were done, it would be possible to use 
para-professionals instead of experienced musicians.
      
4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the 
passage that has already been handled by strings.  If all 
such redundant passages were eliminated then the concert 
could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
      
5. The symphony had two movements.  If Mr. Schubert didn't 
achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, 
then he should have stopped there.
      
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Mr. 
Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would 
have had time to finish the symphony.

response 3 of 22:

Mar 5 21:48 UTC 1998

Thanks.

response 5 of 22:

Aug 3 17:36 UTC 1998

All About Music

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? 
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: 
An in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player.  The other two indicate you are
hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could've done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and 
a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance".

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and 
a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2".

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that?"

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None.  They have machines to do that now.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.

How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse *inside*.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

One string bass player was so bad, even *his* section noticed.

How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
it would be a good idea.

Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, 
which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor.  
"I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply.  The musician calls back 25
times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist.  At last
she asks him why he keeps calling.  "I just like to hear you say it."

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."

What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

What's the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to handle the bulb and four to contemplate 
how David Sanborn would've done it.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

response 7 of 22:

Apr 29 15:30 UTC 1999

At a concert hall one night the stage manager comes across an oboe
player and a viola player having a fight, just about on the verge of
coming to blows.  He breaks the fight up and demands to know what this
was all about.

The oboe player yells, "He broke my reed!  I was just about to play
my big solo, when he broke my reed!"

"Well?" says the stage manager to the viola player.  
"What do you have to say to that?"

Self-righteously, the viola player replies, 
"He de-tuned two of my strings... and won't tell me which ones!"

response 9 of 22:

Apr 29 17:23 UTC 1999

I love 'em!

response 11 of 22:

Apr 30 23:12 UTC 1999

Well, one of the *three* clefs that cellists play is the
tenor clef and that is lower by one ledger line from
the alto clef.  So, what was the question, again? ;-)

response 13 of 22:

May 3 15:00 UTC 1999

Yes, tenor clef, the clef that couldn't line up like the alto clef could.
But take heart, it is occasionally inflicted on unsuspecting trombonists
and bassoonist as well!  :-)

response 15 of 22:

Jun 19 05:11 UTC 1999

Rossini also said that Wagner has some
beautiful moments but some terrible quarter
hours.  I know exactly what he meant.

response 17 of 22:

May 30 19:44 UTC 2000

I have to pass this along, from the Agora conference, item 33, 
"Quotable Quotes":
 
>#100 of 122: by Dan Velleman (orinoco) on Mon, May  8, 2000 (11:22):
>       ...
> "Yo quiero Pachelbel"
>       -billboard ad for a St. Paul classical radio station.

response 19 of 22:

May 31 21:28 UTC 2000

Roughly "I want Taco Bell."  :-)

response 21 of 22:

Jun 7 19:11 UTC 2000

Also, it's the basis of "The Graduation Song"
by Vitamin C.